Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
