Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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