My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
