It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
