Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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