So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
