i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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