Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
