I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
