Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
