Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
