if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my sisters under your porch take her home
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
