you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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