Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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