he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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