and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i've created a new STD.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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