Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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