I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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