We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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