Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
