There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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