I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
