Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
