plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
