Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
