please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
