Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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