she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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