Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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