im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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