I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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