so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
