Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
