My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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