I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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