I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
we're so committed to being not committed
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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