After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
