i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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