He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
