Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
