you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
