You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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