Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
