can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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