I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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