He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
