Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
