final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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