I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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