Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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